5 Hard Lessons I Was Forced To Learn Last Year

Last year was a doozy for me. I faced the lowest of lows and felt so incredibly uncomfortable for the entire year.

If you didn’t read my last blog post (LIFE UPDATE: Thoughts After a Tough Year) here’s a recap…

I got divorced.

Moved myself to a new country (Scotland) where I knew essentially no one. And kept myself from a lot of close friends and family for a time.

I needed to be alone.

And although I wasn’t physically alone the entire year, being by myself in my experience of things was HARD.

I went through feelings I had never felt before and was forced to learn lessons I couldn’t avoid.

Like all hardship though, there’s usually something good that comes on the other side of it.

So with that, I want to share with you 5 hard lessons that I was forced to learn last year.

I learned …

TO GIVE ZERO FUCKS

For most of last year my resting place felt pretty numb. I couldn’t dream, couldn’t create, couldn’t plan. I felt as if all I could do was just wake up, live, sleep, repeat. But funnily enough it also allowed me to take a break from being an adult and I just didn’t care what people thought of me. 

My normal, functioning self cares what people think. I care about helping others, how my actions and words impact others. But last year I couldn’t. I didn’t. And it felt nice.

I essentially was able to turn off my caring switch and just say to myself about most things, “fuck it, it actually doesn’t matter.”

Now that might sound harsh but for a time it helped condition a point of view that was centred around not letting stuff or people phase me. I cared less what people thought of me, what I said to people, how I was living or doing things.

It was liberating.

I was the one to choose what I wanted and because I didn’t care about all the things I normally cared about, or would get worried about or anxious about, I could focus on the simple things that did matter to me at the time which was keeping myself alive and healthy(ish).

And it was great. Being selfish and not giving a fuck did me good.

TO REST

Rest is necessary, I think we all know that. When we’re tired physically our body tells us. We yawn, we get moody, we slow down our movement and thinking. But when our soul needs rest, when our mental state of being needs rest it comes out in different ways. Last year it was actually all I could do.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. And because I was so exhausted I couldn’t do a whole lot with my mind. I couldn’t dream, I couldn’t hope, I couldn’t create. I had to just do basics. Simple living. Eat, move my body, try and enjoy company of new friends and then sleep. I couldn’t do more than that, even when I tried.

It would make me anxious sometimes, but then when I sunk into the reality of it I was able to just enjoy being. Not having to rush, or plan, or create, or dream. It was a break. And I focused my attention on what my soul needed. I listened to podcasts, read books, journaled, thought in nature. I also didn’t give much time to social media and I even deleted Instagram off my phone for a few weeks at a time. The fast pace of the online world can make us have insane FOMO (at least it does to me), but getting off and giving myself time was so therapeutic.

I know in normal day living those things you need to schedule in, but for me last year it was all I could do and all that I gave myself time for.

I’ve walked away with a new found appreciation for slowing down and not feeling like I HAVE to go at the pace of others. I make my own pace. My body, mind and soul makes MY pace for me. And if my body says to me, “we need some time to work through this, and wrestle with it” then I’m more inclined now than ever to give listen and give space and time for it.

TO SIT WITH MY EMOTIONS

I’ve been learning this lesson for several years, but last year it was forced on me almost daily. The heightened emotional rollercoastering of grief, of seeing life alone and being alone in a new country was raw and harsh. I remember so many days walking along this canal close to my house just bawling my eyes out because of the deep agonizing emotions I felt.

And although I felt numb to moving forward and to the world around me, my inner being of emotions were so incredibly alive and strong. Each emotion that would come up for a particular incident or experience I was forced to sit in it for as long as it needed. And there was always a time period that came with it. It was organic and different each time. And when I sat in it and felt the feelings, either alone or expressed with others, after a time they would work themselves out and I could move on.

One very strong example of this was when I had to give up my dog. I had adopted a pup with my ex and was just unable to cope having her alone with me during this time. So we decided to rehome her. The day I made this decision I remember walking down the canal and had to go into the woods and sit down on a log and just bawl my eyes out for close to 2 hours. I looked at old pictures, remembered great times with her and ultimately concluded with the emotions, that although it was hard and painful it was right. After that cry I was about 80% over it. It only took a couple more days on and off until I had grieved enough and felt enough of those strong emotions before I moved on.

Now when I think of her I smile, get a little niggle of joy and sadness but nothing near as close to what I felt before.

Sitting in emotions and experiencing the uncomfortable nature of them can be so difficult. It hurts. It’s painful. It’s messy. But in my experience it has deemed incredibly useful to help navigate the hardships and move things forward. And let’s be honest, no ones wants to keep things around longer than they should be.

Sitting with our emotions, giving them time and accepting them will help move things forward and put things to bed.

TO TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY 

Here’s the uncomfortable truth I was forced to square up with last year. No matter who you are, how long you’ve been with someone, everything always comes to an end. The only exception I can think of is if you die before your life long partner. That’s probably the best case scenario for any one of us (if we’re someone who wants to do life with a partner that is). But still at the end of the day, we die alone and we must face everything alone. It’s easy to hide behind partners, or friends, or work, or kids, or whatever it may be, but at the end of the day YOU are responsible for you.

You need to be okay with who you are and how you live your life. And the beautiful but also very uncomfortable truth in that is… if you don’t like who you are, then YOU get to change it. 

You have the power and right to craft out whatever life you would like for yourself. Even if you are living in unforeseen shitty circumstances, you get to control your attitude, your approach to those circumstances and the outcome of that.

Taking control of my life in that way has been very liberating. It’s also been scary as hell and has been a LONG journey to accepting my independence. And I’m still not there.

Honestly, I got super comfortable sharing my life with someone for 10 years. And walking away from that is hard and I know takes time to adjust going from two to one.

But what I can say is that when I look at my life now, my need for finances, food in my belly, how my body should be, I get a strong, overwhelming feeling of personal responsibility. It’s on me, thats it. I’ve got me and only me to rely on and I have to take care of ME.

That’s empowering and on the better days that I have I lean into that strength and freedom.

TO ENJOY THE PRESENT & SIMPLE THINGS

I was forced into basics last year. As I mentioned above my body and mind just did not let me think and act further than just the here and now. I’ve never really been good at living in the moment. I’ve always liked planning, having ideas for the future, dreaming and pivoting along the way.

But last year, I was forced into the present more than I ever have been in my life. It was new, weird and very uncomfortable. But it was also refreshing and gave me, for the first time in a long time, a feeling of contentment.

Because of being present I had to live in only what I had which was simple things. I didn’t have much going on in my life. I couldn’t. I stripped myself from responsibilities, from business, from being places and doing things. I was just me living out basic, simple life.

I went on walks, made my own food, worked out at the gym, read books, chatted with friends and did some art therapy like pottery and craft making.

To some that sounds great, to others I’m sure it sounds boring as hell. I wasn’t sure what it was going to be for me.

But you know what, I truly enjoyed it. I enjoyed looking out at nature and soaking in its beauty. I loved taking time to make nice homemade meals. I felt so good spending long hours chatting with friends. And all with no other agenda other than to just be. Because it’s all I had. And I accepted that. To just exist, be present and enjoy what was right in front of me.

So often we do things for an alternative motive and we can get so busy with life filling our time with so much stuff. And in the innocence of that it’s actually not a bad thing.

But being forced to have a break from most of that made what I did in the day so much more richer. Because it was just simple, basic and not a lot.

I got to know people purely, take my time in nature and in all of it gain a bright and joyful perspective on things even in the darkest place that I was in.

I could only be, and just being was good.