LIFE UPDATE: Thoughts After a Tough Year

Last year sucked.

Like REALLY sucked.

It was the hardest year of my life.

I got divorced.

I moved to a new country where I knew essentially no one.

I gave up on my business and work that I had built with my ex for 5 years.

I went to be on my own.

I faced the lowest, darkest thoughts.

I had a two week serious conversation with death and lived in a state of being that I have never felt before.

It was as if I was numb to the world.

I couldn’t plan barely two days ahead of myself.

All I could do was exist.

Wake up. Live. Repeat.

What I did in the day was only what I could control at the time. What I had enough courage and strength to help my future self in.

It was my body. Physical chronic pain I’ve lived with for over a decade.

I went to the gym 4 days a week.

I went on hikes, walks, sat in my infrared sauna almost daily and did my best to eat clean.

I could control my body and I was content enough with that.

I also drank a lot.

I cried more than I ever have.

I experienced anxiety and panic attacks for the first time in my life.

I didn’t want to be known or thought about.

I removed myself from most of the people I loved and am close to.

I got by.

That’s all I could handle and had the strength to do.

I felt completely stripped of myself, of what I knew about life, who I was. Exposed and naked.

I didn’t give a single fuck about anything but what I could control, which wasn't much.

I still feel that.

But I’ve wrestled in thought, I've cried, I've talked and I've lived my days in simplicity as this year has moved forward.

And today I am able to for the first time, talk about this to the open public world of social media.

It’s not for pity, or for sympathy, or help.

It’s for liberty and next steps.

For moving forward.

It’s for accepting and embracing what life is now.

What MY life is now.

It’s for opening myself to working, creating and dreaming again.

I couldn’t dream or create for most of last year.

That was hard.

But now I’m able to.

And I’m able to accept that I can offer something to the world again.

So I’ve begun to dream, to create, to hope.

Hope.

I hated that word last year.

I didn’t want it. I didn’t believe in it. I threw it away.

And now it’s returned in a glimmer. Filled with pain, with acceptance and with new perspective.

A glimmer of hope for the future... whatever it is.

And I have a little bit of excitement about it.

It’s fleeting, doesn’t last long and it’s been coupled with anxiety and stress lately. With a ticking clock to get things moving.

But I’m resting in the uncomfortable nature of it.

I’m accepting it’s not perfect. It’s not ideal. But it’s what I have... ME right now, still broken and recovering.

And I'm going to use what I have to show up in life and to show up in business again.

For years I used this platform and several others for business.

To promote sustainable companies and products.

To inspire a conscious and sustainable lifestyle.

I believed in that.

And I still do, to some degree.

But in stepping back from that business I've gained different perspective.

My opinions and thoughts have evolved.

And now, I want to shift gears and make my business focus more on what I can bring to the table creatively and skill wise.

What inspires me personally. What I can control and do.

The raw, messy, honest imperfections of life. Because there is beauty in that.

So what does that look like?

In the coming weeks I’m going to start rebranding my socials to reflect what I'm going to offer.

Some services, some thought provoking stuff, some fresh visuals.

In reality not a lot will change other than you’ll probably see me posting more (if the algorithm cooperates with me that is).

And it might be more focused content. More tightened and organised for business again.

So here I go.

My journey back into this crazy online world.

Back into connection, usefulness, business and storytelling.

But before I jump straight into business, I want to take a few days to reconnect a bit with you.

So I'm opening the door for honest connection again.

Don’t be a stranger.

I'd love to chat.

You can connect with me on any of my social medias pages below:

Jill x